Many Hats
On Balance and Healthy Boundaries
by Megan Lavell, TAC Executive Director
I’ve been trying to schedule a meeting with some of my board members. Most of them work; two are retired with volunteer commitment loads the size of a full-time job. This is a meeting of six people, all women. I didn’t think it would take military-grade precision to get a one-hour meeting scheduled, but here we are.
My kids are 11 and 13 — which is weird, because I swear I just had a baby. Those years are flying by, just like all the parents before me warned me they would. It seems impossible that my son made his own plans to go to a football game with a friend today; that he has his own debit card right now and doesn’t need me to put some cash in an envelope for a teacher or chaperone; that he rolls his eyes at me when I tell him to be safe. It was just a minute ago that I was putting goldfish crackers in an easy-open snack container for preschool.
I have had the same job since before my kids were born. I have loved my job for most of that time. It has its moments that make me want to pull out my hair, but doesn’t every job? I am dedicated to my organization, and they have been dedicated to me. It has been a good relationship.
When I started my job as Executive Director, I was all in. I had no kids. I was trying to prove myself. I needed to earn respect and trust and my place as a community leader. But the days of proving myself are gone, whether from exhaustion or hubris or a lessened sense of concern. I am still dedicated; I am just more selectively so.
“I am still dedicated; I am just more selectively so.”
I spent years in my pre-motherhood days being somewhat boundaryless in my community service. I would work or volunteer 3-4 nights every week. It was tiring, but what else did I have to do? I sure was not spending my time cleaning and gardening (I still don’t spend much time cleaning), and my husband was generally with me at events, programs, and activities. It was not until we had kids that I realized how much I needed to scale back my involvement in things that took time away from my family.
Now, 13+ years into motherhood, I do not regret those decisions. What I regret is the nights spent at unnecessary events, meetings, gatherings that did not add anything tangible to my life or work, but took me away from the people and place I love the most.
No longer am I spending my evenings giving baths and reading board books and coloring with my kids. I spend them helping my daughter bake and making sure my son has his math homework done and having a real, in-person conversation with the person I married so many years ago. The time at home is not as intense as the early days of parenting, but it feels just as important.
“What I regret is the nights spent at unnecessary events, meetings, gatherings that did not add anything tangible to my life or work.”
But really, the boundaries I’m trying to set are not just about my life as a mom. They’re about the many hats we wear, roles we fill, and demands placed upon us from every place in life. Looking at the makeup of my six-person committee that struggled to schedule a meeting, four of us balance full-time jobs; three juggle parenting obligations of at-home children; one deals with caring for her grandchildren; one deals with an aging parent in poor health; one runs her own small business with employees; all six juggle other boards and committees; one helps coach her kid’s sports team; two schedule around the freedom to travel that is the gift of retirement; five have spouses; all six have homes that require constant care and maintenance.
Those are just the roles we fill and the hats we wear. That says nothing of our needs, hobbies, health (mental and physical), relationships, social calendars, spiritual tending, books filling our nightstands, dreams, plans, naps. We are six full people with full lives wearing lots of hats.
And we need to schedule this meeting — around all of those things and pieces and parts.
So, for one of the first times in my career, I asked for a daytime meeting and was transparent about my reasons why. I am fortunate that my volunteers want to give their time to the organization we all serve, but I have to believe that they would like more evenings free, too. One committee member can only meet in the daytime if we meet virtually. And you know what? That’s great! Let’s make concessions to make this work for everyone! Because really, aren’t we all here trying to do something to improve our lives, communities, homes? Do we really want to spend all of our evenings doing the improving and not enjoying the fruits of our labor?
“The boundaries I’m trying to set are not just about my life as a mom; they’re about the many hats we wear, roles we fill, and demands placed upon us from every place in life.”
This place of middle age and middle career is an odd terrain of wanting to work hard to do good, but no longer being willing to sacrifice myself for it. I am not less dedicated; I am simply willing to give less time to the things outside myself and my home. Maybe when my kids move out, my priorities will re-align again. And that’s okay because life has seasons, and nothing is permanent.
For now, I will reserve as much time as I can for evenings teaching my daughter to sift flour; and snuggling my son on the couch for the few minutes per week that he’ll let me; and enjoying an Old Fashioned with my husband while we marvel at and decompress from this wonderful, chaotic, full life we have built.
I don’t know what the other five members of my committee will be doing with that evening that could have been a meeting, but I hope they’re finding as much fulfillment in that hour as I do.
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